Today I want to talk to you about a situation I’ve been experiencing for a while. So stressful (even if that’s not the right adjective for it) that I’ve been having a persistent pain on my chest.
I’m a very sensible person. Things that people shake off easily or don’t even notice affect me all the time. The choice of the words and the subtle meanings, the quick – real – expressions people show after changing to others, little things that, as I said, nobody notices, and if I talk to somebody about them, I quickly am told that there are meaningless. That I’m seeing things that don’t exist.
For this reason, I often call into question my thoughts and feelings. I often try to convince myself that the things are not like that (but a sensation on the back of my mind always tells me I’m wrong at doing this and never leaves me).
Over the last weeks I’ve been going out with my old group of friends, I’ve been often the center of jokes about me by especially two guys. Their comments about my singleness, the fact I should go out with somebody, I shouldn’t be picky, I should have fun, otherwise I’m going to “get rusty”, I’m going to be a lonely spinster, etc etc etc, and the attempts to combine me with one of these guys (the single one, the other has a girlfriend), have been going on for months, but on the last month they have been persistent, more frequent and more cruel. Me saying to stop, explaining calmly my reasons, saying that I don’t want a hook up, and that I haven’t find anyone interesting and I don’t feel the need of searching it for now, are destroyed with jokes and that disdainful and entertained smirk that reminds me the one that parents show when their young child tries to hurt them. Or when a person who thinks he’s right is criticized by an “inferior”.
At the same time, I’ve been repeatedly receiving comments about my boobs, they have nicknamed “lungs“, and about touching them (not happened, but still) and, when I asked to stop, I have received as response laughters and the phrase “You should be happy” about the compliments, “many girls would want them”. For me the jokes were not “anything”, they were hurting and insulting me.
I’m writing this especially because I needed to process it, to write everything down and then read what’s happening with other eyes. And to tell you something I have done in the past but I won’t do anymore: you don’t have to stay in a relationship (friendship or love) and swallow everything just because you’re afraid of being lonely if you stop seeing them.
I’m a very calm person who never overreacts. I never shout or make a scene (sometimes I regret not doing it). I just arrive to a point where I get tired of all the shit and just delete the person from my life. People are often surprised by this because they judge me as a person who always will be there for them. Once I was compared by one of these friends to a loyal puppy.
Yesterday night I arrived to that point where, after feeling super bad and not being able to sleep, I in a way stopped caring.
I’m going to stay at home and use my nights for things like writing in this blog or reading a book.
I am not broken or crazy if I choose to stay single, being with someone doesn’t define me. I am not less fulfilled or missing a piece.
Have a nice day.
And some images for you found on Tumblr: