Midnight Mumblerings

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I’ve always known I’m smart.
Professors used to say it, my relatives used to say it. Proud, a smile on their faces.
“She will go far”, they used to say.
“She will do great things”.

I was good at school. In middle and high school I used to have good grades studying the necessary, never too much, because I didn’t want to. I wanted to read and watch tv series. I didn’t have the best grades but that was my decision: life > school.

I’ve always known that if I put enough effort, I could be anything.
Well, not arts and crafts or sport related things, I’d be terrible at them.

Coming from a family that worked incredibly hard to give me a house under my head and food on my plate, just expecting from me to study, I’ve always thought that I owed them a good, quiet life, without worrying about how to end the month.
And I’ve always thought that I would repaid them studying and finding a very well paid job. A prestigious one, they could talk about to their friends.
My mum had always said to me to study what I like, but I always had this feeling.
So after high school I went to Milan and started International Sciences and European Institutions (Faculty of Politic Sciences). Working in an international organisation, or as a diplomat? Travelling, knowing and helping people from all over the world? A dream come true, right?
I hated it.
At the first week.
I continued to attend, in the hope that I would change my mind.
I didn’t.
I was continuously angry at stupid things that didn’t matter. I was having a bad relationship with my parents, with myself.

After that experience, I realised I would never, ever, be happy doing something that I didn’t like.
I was not one of those brave people that could resist for months, for years, for decades.
So I returned to my hometown, Verona, and I decided to study something I love: languages and publishing.
I met wonderful friends, deleted from my life toxic people, earned self-esteem. I regained a good relationship with my parents.
My dad wasn’t happy with my career choice, and still isn’t, and that hurt/hurts, but in the end it didn’t matter.
I had recovered a balance in my life that I had probably never really had.

Being this my final year at uni, I’m trying to find out – again – what to do with my life. I don’t want to make a mistake again, you know?
I’ve narrowed my choices to Journalism and Screenwriting – but what if I don’t like the one I choose?
Worse: What if I’m not good at it?
I’m going to study abroad, probably the UK, and the thing that holds me back is, well, money. In Verona I’ve always had a scholarship, and the idea of asking for a loan to pay my studies, the idea of owing something to someone, scares me. Especially if I don’t like it in the end or if I cannot find a job.
And, of course, my career choice will be again laughed at by people who think that only medicine, law, engineering and economics are real careers.
But that’s another story.

Years ago, I would probably never had written this post.
In my mind the voice of my father: never show them your weak side.
Now, 22 years old and a certain inclination to what the hell, singing love me or hate me it’s still an obsession / love me or hate me that is the question, I’ve found the need to write all this, and I’ve done it.
Maybe, it could help a “little me” wandering about this blog. Or maybe you.

At the moment I’m trying to find an internship or a job for the summer (July and August), even in a totally different field from the one I want to study, because I want to make experiences and go out of this countryside, but I haven’t found anything yet – do you have any suggestions? -.

P.s.: BBC, if you’re reading this, hire me.

I hope you liked this post, I would love to hear your past experiences in the comments.

If you want to follow my adventures, check out my Twitter and Instagram.
If you don’t wanna miss a post, follow me on Bloglovin’.
All the links are in the side bar (the pink buttons).

Have a lovely day / night!

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23 thoughts on “Midnight Mumblerings

      1. I’ll be happier when I finally get rid of uni, get out of this house and devote my life to writing. Anyway yes, I’m very glad I switched to Languages, I could have never worked in a field I don’t like just to please somebody else, even if it’s my parents. You only have one life :)

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  1. Everything about this I can completely relate to. You’re very honest and I feel proud of you for writing this. Go do whatever you want to do. Even if it doesn’t work out, you’ll still learn valuable lessons.
    I left home for 3 years to study a course, which was a half way point between what I wanted to do and what my parents wanted from me. In the end I was unhappy and hated it. As much as I hate the fact that I am in big debt, I can’t say that I regret it for one second. The lessons I learned were in valuable and the people I met taught me more than any course would. I lived life. Real life, and it was the best thing I could ever do.

    P.S. If you do come to the UK, let’s meet up :)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am good at school. I have good grades by studying the necessary, never too much, because I don’t want to. I don’t have the best grades but that was my decision: life > school.

    I could relate so much to you. I hope you’d find a work that you love and where you’re good at. :)

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  3. Good luck finding a job in the UK. I hope that you make it over here. I once completed a 2 year teaching course only to decide once I’d passed that I hated teaching and it wasn’t the career path for me. Sometimes working out what we don’t want to do is half the battle.

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  4. The honesty about you is commendable!
    And that painting, is one of my favorites.
    Keep writing, you’re doing a good job!
    You might want to stick to left alignment though.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. That was very well written, to begin with I thought it was going to be a poem or a story, not a piece about *your* life!

    I’m really pleased that you have chosen to pursue a path that is, at least, interesting to you. That shows a lot of ambition and self-motivation, I agree that I couldn’t be stuck studying/working for something that I didn’t truly enjoy/have passion for.

    I was in your position in 2013 when I graduated from University – I was looking at taking a screenwriting masters but I wasn’t completely sure that I could do it, that I would enjoy it, and having to pay all of that money towards it… thankfully, the break from university was just what I had needed and I managed to find a career instead.

    I think your path will forge itself, best of luck to you for your future. I’m interested in following how it turns out! :)

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m a Key Accounts Manager for a Marketing Consultancy, it wasn’t anything that I had ever pictured and might be boring to some but it’s perfectly creative for me.

        I suppose elements of my degree (e.g. Global Communications, Writing for the Media, Institution & Audience) did apply but I’m so pleased that I just… stumbled into it! I looked through jobs, just out of interest, that one really jumped out at me.

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    1. Thanks! I’m looking for an internship but it’s so hard, usually you have to know somebody inside or have a great cv, that is impossible at the moment since I’m still studying.
      I’ll continue to search!

      Like

  6. love your attitude…and your writing style. The prose is almost like poetry, which is a good thing. My own life has been basically filled with things that I really wanted to do…which never brought me much money (on my own income) but was usually (89.4 %) fun jobs and travel, university when I got around to it at age 50-70…..school is MUCH more fun when doing it because ya want to. Life is too short to squeeze oneself into a mold…got to school, do this, get married,.do that, have kids, get a job, save up money, retire and move to someplace where there is a lot of sun and a bunch of old people, and lay around in the sun on a beach. NAH, no way. :-)

    Liked by 1 person

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